Something I realized today. Trigger warnings in effect.

To the untrained eye, it looks like I’ve spent the last five days mostly hiding in my house, with the barest (slightly freak-out filled) excursions outside. This looks like I’m doing nothing, right? Just sitting, or reading, or just not doing anything at all.

But in reality? I’m not any more stable than I was when I went to the hospital last week. I still actively want to kill myself, and the desire to self harm has only gone down a bit. So although it looks like I’m doing nothing at all, what I’m *not* doing is hurting myself, or giving in to killing myself. It’s not doing all the horrible things my brain is thinking of for me to do. It’s me trying to ignore the hallucinations I’m having, the delusions. It’s me try to hold back or ignore the things I can’t control.

I’m not going out very often, because I find people, strange people, other people, triggering. I’m going to attempt to go to class tomorrow. And maybe work on Wednesday. And I see my shrink on the 3rd. But I have to get to those moments first. I have to get there, even though I feel so out of it sometimes.

Part of me chastises myself. Useless, stupid, weak! The other part says: Still here. Still here. Still here.

And I tell myself: That’s not nothing.

Marbles are slipping, slipping, slipping.

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